Parenthood or Impending Battle?

Cody and I intentionally decided to wait our five years to to start our family. We didn't have a long term plan, but we knew we wanted to wait. Oh, how thankful I am for this time we're having together before our baby. Ten years total; five married by the time Sullivan gets here. We've traveled, worked on projects, spent whole days doing nothing, and just learned more about one another. He is truly my best friend, and because of that, I'm entering this parenthood phase confident that our marriage will stand the test of time, no matter what these next years hold.

That being said: I would be lying if I told you that fear wasn't a part of my personal decision to wait to have children. For one, I'm not particularly nurturing when it comes to feelings. Add that to my insecurities about my lack of domestic skills, and you've got a recipe for a womanly identity crisis. I mean, who lacks sympathy AND can't cook?? (Answer: me)

Part of that fear came from comments from people in all levels of my life. While they meant absolutely no harm and while I hold no feelings against them, friends, family, and complete strangers inspired fear and stirred up that part of myself that I doubted. It seemed that everything that I did or that we did as a couple was in a direct contrast of someone else's season of life, and because of our different stages, our conversation topics were polarizing.

Me: "I feel like a new person today after taking a nap this afternoon!"

Other: "Enjoy it now because you won't sleep for the next eighteen years!"

Me: "That was delicious!"

Other: "It was, but the number of warm meals you'll be eating are numbered. It's all about baby!"

Other: "Y'all enjoy your travel because you won't be going anywhere after October!"

Again, while harmless in nature, their comments made me feel like I was preparing for a battle. A battle where I don't sleep, my food is always cold, and Cody and I never get to see each other. Those comments could inspire fear in anyone, but they stung a little extra for me. Teaching is my comfort zone, the place where I am most confident in my abilities and decisions. I work quickly, make split second decisions about big topics, and am proud of myself at the end of most days. Choosing to stay home amidst these comments brought on moments of sheer panic and insecurity. Domestic tasks intimidate me, and at the moment, I don't find much joy in them. In my head, staying home seemed daunting and terrifying, like I'd be a hostage to a baby who won't let me eat, sleep, or move. My thoughts centered around being stuck at home with hating to clean, unable to cook, and thanks to the enemy (man, he really knows where to attack!), unable to nurture my baby.

Since then, I have been working through my fears and insecurities with God. Yes, I know that October will mark the beginning of our new normal. We won't sleep much; I will squeeze in meals when I can; and date night will have to be planned instead of just spur of the moment trips to Marble Slab and the movies. The thing is, though, I am almost ready; I go as far to say that I've even excited for the "you just wait" scenarios. No matter what happens, the "you just waits" or not, we will go through it all with our sweet Sully, our baby that we prayed for.

Maybe parenthood is a battle. Maybe I will later eat my words. Starting today, though, I'm laying my fear and insecurities at the cross of the One who has already won. Christ has deemed me worthy and chosen us specifically to raise our little man. Regardless of what our future looks like, I know two things: Jesus and Cody will be by my side every step of the way. Parenting is impossible without the grace of God, and as a bonus, I have the kindest, most selfless husband on this journey with me. In addition, our friends and family are there with solicited and unsolicited advice, all of which we will gladly take. It probably does take a village, and we've got a good one.

I write all of this not to make anyone feel bad or to complain, but to encourage you, no matter what season you are in, to watch your words. Maybe you are exhausted or in pain, but my challenge to you is to find joy in those mundane moments. And if the occasion arises where you are speaking to someone in a different phase than you, speak words of life: truthful words, but words seasoned with sensitivity and kindness. Those little moments that you may complain about or the lifestyle you miss are the same moments others pray for to experience. We all struggle with insecurities and internal battles that others are not always privy to, and our seemingly small words can stir up big feelings.

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