Dear Sully: I'm Sorry

Dear Sully,

Today I realized that I couldn’t protect you from everything, and I cried. As much as I prepare and pray, there are situations that are going to require me to fully trust God to cover you because I can’t carry the burden of it all. Up until now, I haven't worried about you like I thought I would, but as you grow, it's requiring me to hold you loosely knowing God's grip on you is tight.

We had our first major play date since you’ve learned to walk over two months ago. We were both excited about playing with everyone, and as we walked up, your eyes locked on the fun things to do while mine surveyed the scene for possible danger. While you zoned in on the shovel and dirt, my eyes hyper focused on the toddler breakfasts of eggs, cheeses, and baked goods. When you were looking at the letters on the board and picking out the ones you knew, I noted all of the open snack containers and crumbs on the ground. Almost immediately I teared up as I felt the weight of what this one outing means to the rest of our days until your allergies are healed (in Jesus’ name!). I pulled myself together, made sure you held my hand, and we joined the group for a really amazing weekly activity. How sweet it was that the first part was digging in the dirt: your favorite! You didn’t seem to pick up on my tense body as you walked back and forth from station to station, from digging to mud painting to cleaning up.

I knew you were having fun because you get this zoned out look on your face and refuse to do anything else. The attention you pay to the activities you love is something I pray sticks with you; you are tenacious! Nevertheless, we had to move on to another fun activity, so we walked hand in hand back to our bench. As the leaders explained the activity, I started to tear up again. This activity was a scavenger hunt, and the container was an egg carton. Oh, my sweet boy. Mama immediately was sad for you, even though you didn’t care one bit that you didn’t have one like everyone else. I also felt this deep empathy and regret for my former students, as I never even considered allergies when planning our lessons; that’s for another day, though.

The scavenger hunt was right up your alley as you found rocks and leaves and even got to see a real turtle! It’s a little cliche but to see the world through your eyes is opening it back up for me; I find myself in wonder at small things like you do. We walked back; well, you walked most of the way, but I ended up carrying you the last leg. Now it was story and a snack. “Here we go again,” I thought to myself as I mentally prepped for what was coming. Bars, puffs, melts, and the works were being taken out of diaper bags, so as quickly as I could, I focused your attention to your lunch box and sat you on the bench where you couldn’t get down without my help. You so sweetly listened to the story, but then you wanted to go play. There were snacks and toddlers with food everywhere, so I held you hand and let you led the way. A few minutes later, it was time for us to go.

We made the walk back to the car, and I got you buckled in just in time for me to make it to my seat and have a good cry. All at once I felt this great relief that we had navigated a minefield of foods that would send you to the hospital along with the reality that the rest of our outings will look like this. My mind flashed to kindergarten, as your dad and I have already started thinking about our options. How can I ever let you go somewhere knowing that almost every single thing available to eat could potentially kill you? I hate that I even have to write that out, but that’s the actual reality of it.

Please don’t take this to mean that I am upset at anyone other than the situation of food allergies in general. In fact, Mama’s friend called to check on us afterwards and offered several solutions, and I was so thankful! Unfortunately, your allergies are too particular and too big for us to ask anyone else to limit their snacks, but to feel heard and have another set of eyes comforted my heart so much. People have been beyond helpful and kind in these situations, leaving me hope that we’ll be okay because our little village is looking out for you too.

I’m also realizing now how much a blessing your delayed walking and Covid-19 have been to your protection; I cannot even imagine navigating food allergies if you were walking at any other age. Because you took your sweet time, you are mature enough to understand directions and boundaries; you learned those when you were crawling and at home in your early walking days, so when I tell you to come stand by me, you do. How thankful I am for that! God knew exactly when you needed to meet each milestone; nothing is wasted on Him, and He will use your allergies for good! I pray every single day that your body will be healed; they are my Jericho, and I’m walking in circles until that wall falls down!

I don’t know fully why I’m recapping this one outing in such detail other than to say that I’m sorry you have to deal with this and to promise you that your dad and I are going to do our best to both protect you and to equip you to live life to the fullest. We won’t hold you back out of fear, but we will carefully consider and pray about activities, outings, and people. You have already shown such great bravery and maturity for a kid less than two, and we are so proud of that. If you ever need a good cry over these dang allergies, I’ll sit with you in it!

I love you more than you’ll ever know, sweet boy.

Love,

Mom